![]() As long as feeling better is more important than doing better, we will continue to live with the violence of racism.We want you on the frontlines standing in protection of us (think chivalry) or beside us (think partners) but never cowering behind us (think that person you couldn’t keep dating or marry because they were never fully committed or didn’t have your back).I know that all or most of my friends are up to the task. As a result, you get to be extremely flexible and uncomfortable during these times to remain real friends with us. We think differently, tolerate at different levels and assimilate at different levels. Remember, and I know that you know this if we are friends: not all Black people are the same.We are so tired of care-taking, and we know the difference. Take leadership from people of color on how to transform and dismantle racism but don’t ask them to teach you in that process.This isn’t a punishment it’s just a fact. If you’re in, we can accomplish more and deepen our relationship. Addressing your racism, latent, confused or otherwise detracts from my wholeness and infringes on my joy. When I am with my friends I am interested in relaxing and being whole. Work through your grief and confusion about racism with other White people-not me.Offering a meal is a tradition that honors our loss and exhaustion. One last thing, I would love a meal-offering, store-bought or home-cooked, among many things, Black people are collectively grieving right now. Black Lives (the movement that’s been updating the world) is a notable and effective one. Second, donate and get your friends and family to donate to Black women-led organizations both locally and nationally. Enough is Enough, White kids are not more fragile than other children-that’s a lie as old as American slavery-and it severely overburdens families of color to carry not just our weight but yours. The myth that White children are too young or fragile to learn the horrors of racism keeps racism alive. Not sappy, apologetic sentiments but hardcore facts. If you want to be helpful in addressing and undoing racism: first, immediately start teaching your kids.Having Black people in your life that you love does not make you an effective, or active, anti-racist. Understand this, I probably don’t want to talk with you about race unless a) I am being paid to do so as part of my work, b) you deeply understand the dynamics of racism (which takes years of consistent action and daily study), or c) we are currently involved in a coordinated anti-racist action together.My feelings for you don’t make racism go away, nor, obviously, does your affection for me, and neither do our good times together. ![]() I want to relax with you, not deny with you. That’s almost as offensive as number 1 and certainly more ignorant. Don’t act like nothing is going on when major racialized unrest or tragedy is occurring.And, if you’re my friend, you’re always praying for me and my family, and I thank you. Don’t ask me how I’m doing because I’m Black or tell me that you’re praying for me and my family or tell me about your grief, guilt, helplessness, crying or confusion triggered by the presence of racism.Here are 10 ways that you can make an effort to show up differently for your Black friends and colleagues. This is information on how you can do that now for someone who is Black. If you are receiving this, it’s because we have gone through some beautiful things together and/or we have been a significant support for each other as a friend or colleague. Dear friends who are White and privileged by virtue of that categorization (not necessarily because of wealth, intention or ethnic background),
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